"Help": A forgotten post
Note: I did this last June 18, 2011 and i forgot to post it. HAHA!
Earlier today, while I was trying to clean up my hard drive by deleting unnecessary files, I stumbled upon this:
Just yesterday, I was bragging about being good at pretending and concealing my feelings and I was pretty convinced that I was, until today. Right now, I have just gotten into the threshold of my pretention and I can’t deny it any longer. They say mind over matter and I have been trying to do just that for the past month. How come this has happened to me? How could I have let myself fall into this? I know this wasn’t an overnight process. It was gradual. In fact, it was creeping very slowly like a snail inching up a stem that I was not able to watch out for this. I came unguarded and this is what I get for that. How could I have been so stupid? Now I am deep down into the pit and I don’t know how I’ll ever get out. I could not even save myself, I know. The more I try to climb up, the farther I slide down. This is a hopeless case.
I forgot why I wrote that but I know that it's still how I feel. I need help. I know only God can give it.
After 2 years, It's me again!
At 12:00am today, I found myself staring at my laptop browsing facebook pages. I could not sleep. Maybe it’s due to the caffeine that I have taken in earlier this evening. Anyway, I could not find anything to do. Then I remembered this blog. What if I opened it and read my previous posts? Maybe it would be entertaining. If not, at least I would have something to pass the time with. So, I visited it and read my past blog entries. After reading every single post I ever did, I was encouraged to make a new one. I don’t know if anybody will be able to read this, but I don’t really care.
It’s been a little more than two years since my last post. From then until now, a lot of things have changed, but there are also a lot of things that stayed the same.
I was fascinated by how I wrote my past entries. I never thought I could write that way before. I am not really a writer; in fact, the lowest grades I got in college were from my creative writing and literature classes! However, I know, deep inside me that I love to write. Though writing does not love me back, I should not quit but should keep on practising. This is the same with my music. I should not kill my love for music but should encourage it. I’m in 3rd year college now, and I feel kind of old, but I know it’s not yet too late.
So in the next year, expect more posts from me.
16 days to go
It's been 17 days since I've posted anything in here. That's not that long compared to the intervals of my posting before. I guess that's an improvement. It means I have more time to blog now. I am currently listening to my favorite song. It's called the everglow, by mae. Well, It is already december 2, 16 days before I'll go back to davao city, and 23 days before Christmas. Right now, I really am not feeling anything about my going back to davao. I also do not feel that Christmas is fast approaching. It's so lonely here that's why I can't feel the Christmas spirit. It's a good thing my uncle got me a flight inspite of the really high demand of plane tickets right now.
I am not really that excited to go back to davao. Maybe this is due to the fact that I do not know when I'll be able to go back home after this break. What makes me sad is that I know that I won't be going home to stay. I'll just be there for 18 days and after that, I'll be back here in UP diliman, doing the same old boring things. I do not know why I don't like it here. I don not know why I can't accept that davao is not my world anymore. Maybe there's something that's holding me back. I don't know.
a little less than 5 weeks
All I have to wait for is a little less than 5 weeks and I would already be home. I guess I already got used to life here in UP diliman. I seem not to miss home as much as before. I do not cry anymore. I hope this will go on until the day that I can finally accept that I'm here to stay.
I'm still halfway through our readings in socio10. I still haven't started on my math53 assignment, and I haven't started studying for the lab safety test in chem. I am not yet worried for I know I still got time to do all those things. :)
Last weekend, I visited my friends in UPLB. It was a fun weekend. Imagine, after a very long time, I was able to see them again. Going there and back to UP dil was really an adventure. It was a good thing that korina accompanied me from UPLB back to UP dil. Without her, I could've had a really hard time finding my way back.
That's all for now!
5 Days
5 days nalang! mYgeD I can't believe it. 5 days nalang at babalik na ulit ako ng UP. T.T Ayoko pa... Noooo....
Buti nalang malapit na ang christmas break. hehe. PEro nooo... ayoko parin talaga. Mas gusto ko dito. Wah. Sana d nalang ako pumasang UP dil para no choice ako.. wah.. pero anyway.. wah..ewan ayoko parin talagang bumalik. As in super ayoko. Kahit mas malalaki mga malls dun, kahit mas madaming nagagawa dun, ayoko parin talaga. I don't belong there. hahaha char lang. pero d nga..mas gusto ko talaga dito.. with family and friends and internet and aircon.hahahaha
Wah...kailan kaya ako masasanay sa buhay dun? kailan ko kaya matatanggap na im there to stay? matagal din akong mananatili dun. I can feel it. haha wah... ayaaw koooo...ayaw ko talaga... gusto ko nga magtransfer nalang ng UPmin. pero baka kasi isipin ng iba quitter ako...loser...d nakayanan ang buhay sa dil..or something... takot din ako baka pagsisisihan ko ang pagtransfer sa future. baka kasi mas maganda talaga pag dun ako gumraduate. ah ewan. basta.. wah. sige nalang. Mabuti naman din na malayo ako eh. para mamiss din ako ng mga tao.. hahaha pero yun din eh.. hanggang miss nlang. d na ako part ng kanilang everyday lives. hahay. :(
ay ewan ko...wah..yaw ko pa talagang bumalik...un lang actually ang point ng post na ito. para sabihin na yaw ko pang bumalik...yaw ko pang bumalik...yaw ko pa...yaw ko..yaw..hahahaha :))
Personality disorder test..again
sumagot ako ulit ng personality disorder test...hahah wala lang
compare nio sa last year...
Paranoid 62%
Schizoid 30%
Schizotypal 78%
Antisocial 42%
Borderline 86%
Histrionic 74%
Narcissistic 10%
Avoidant 38%
Dependent 90%
Obsessive-Compulsive 54%
*scores in gray are the average web score
Test Note: Read the descriptions below to avoid misinterpreting test results (for example, the Antisocial classification does not mean you are a loner, it means you tend to be insensitive towards others).
General Note: the validity and reliability of DSM personality disorders are still lacking in strong statistical evidence and clear agreement in the scientific and medical community. They are determined by the American Psychiatric Association and will likely be revised in the future.
Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.
Disorder Info
Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal
Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.
Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.
Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.
Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.
Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.
Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.
Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.
Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.
Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive
Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.
Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism
Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.
Labels: personality disorder
Heto nanaman ako
Heto nanaman ako, nakaupo sa harap ng computer just like i always did before i left for college. At gaya rin ng dati, heto nanaman ako, nalulungkot, nalilito, sa dahilang hindi ko din naman alam. Pathetic noh? haha.Buti pa nung andun ako sa UP, alam ko kung ano ang gusto ko, which is ang umuwi. Pero ngaung nakauwi na ako, hindi parin ako satisfied. Oo, masaya ako at nakabalik na rin ako sa davao pero may kulang eh. Feel ko hindi talaga ang pag-uwi ang gusto ko. Feel ko ang gusto ko talaga ay maibalik ang dati kong buhay, dating mga kaibigan, dating everything. PEro I guess, malabo nang mangyari iyon. May kanya kanya na silang buhay. Mga bagong kaibigan, bagong experiences, bagong life. Nakakalungkot nga lang isipin na hindi na ako parte ng kanilang everyday lives. Mananatili nalang akong 'friend from highschool' or something like that na bumabalik lamang tuwing bakasyon,pero wen d break's over, aalis nanaman at back to normal na ang lahat. hahay. Sa tingin ko kailangan ko ng masanay sa ganito. Mahirap pero wala na akong magagawa. Ganoon na talaga ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi na gaya ng dati. Ang lahat ay nagbago na. At patuloy ang pagbabagong ito habang buhay.
Gaya nga ng sabi sa kanta ng Paramore:
And when we get home, I know we won't be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed
'Could you remind me of a time when we were so alive
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
(Everything has changed)
'Could you help me push aside all that I have left behind
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
So we stand here now and no one knows us at all
I won't get used to this
I won't get used to being gone
And going back won't feel the same if we aren't staying
Going back to get away after everything has changed
'Could you remind me of a time when we were so alive
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
(Everything has changed)
'Could you help me push aside all that I have left behind
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
Taking up our time
Taking up our time
Taking up our time
It's taking up our time we can't
go back, we can't go back at all
It's taking up our time we can't
go back, we can't go back at all
It's taking up our time we can't
go back, we can't go back at all
It's taking up our time, taking up our time
'Cause you remind me of a time when we were so alive
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
hay naku. By the way, parati kong kinakanta ito dun sa kalay. haha . at everytime kinakanta ko to...naiiyak ako... T.T
